I'm Bad At Prayer

By Rebecca Kiser

Me: “Hi I’m Becca and I’m bad at prayer.”

Christian Support Group: “Hiiiiiiii Becca.”

So, you would think having gone to Christian school for the first seven years of my education I would have a pretty good working knowledge of how to pray and be super comfortable with it.

No dice.

Can I get real honest with you guys for a second?

I don’t like praying.

It does not come naturally to me.

I love to turn to my Bible when I’m struggling. I find so much comfort in the promises God has for me there, and I find strength in the testimonies of other Christians like Paul and David.
I whisper, “Jesus” randomly throughout the day, and recite those foundational verses in those rough moments, so yes that’s prayer.

But as far as sitting down and talking to God, telling him about my life and problems, praising him, asking for his presence in situations, I really struggle.

When I pray out loud it feels like I’m talking to the air, like no one is listening.

When I pray in my head it feels more intimate, I feel like I’m getting somewhere, but I get super distracted and end up off topic and daydreaming (or actually dreaming if it’s late at night) within five minutes. Every. Time.

While I was still in Christian school, I pretty much just gave up on the idea of prayer altogether because I figured God knew what I was gonna say anyway, and my teachers prayed in class so I was covered. There were years of my life that I didn’t pray on my own at all because I loathed it so much.

When I entered into a relationship with God around the summer before my freshman year, that relationship felt incomplete without prayer. I mean it’s kinda hard to have a relationship with someone if you never speak.

But I was confronted by that same problem I’d had all my life: I’m bad a prayer.

Then one day (and I still have no clue what prompted this) I took my Bible-note-taking notebook and just wrote to God. And I actually liked it. I felt like I was truly writing to Him. It felt safe because I knew no one else would ever read it.

So I started writing out my prayers. 

Not just journaling, but writing letters to God. I start with, “Hey God,” and end with a signature. I knew instantly it was the perfect way for me to connect with God, but you guys, it was still a struggle.

While I love talking to God, it means I have to step away from my pile of homework, and my messy room, and resist sleep on those nights when I’m opening my journal after a day full of classes and/or work. And just be still. Which is way easier said than done when being still feels like wasting time in the wake of my neverending to-do list.

I have to un-fog my mind, step into God’s presence, and be completely open and honest. Turns out, this journaling thing isn’t an instant fix-all.

It is still a struggle. 

So I committed myself to filling up one page of my prayer journal every night, and I even set a reminder on my phone to hold myself accountable. Some days it’s really easy, and some days…. it’s really not. There are days when the last thing I want to do is talk to God about my shortcomings, and admit that I was wrong. But then there are days when I cannot wait to spell out just how amazing God is across pages and pages of my prayer journal.

And I do miss days every now and then. I notice that when I do, it makes me even less motivated to write the next day, and even worse the next. It builds like that until eventually I do write to God and realize there’s been quite a little lapse since the last entry. When that happens, I can always feel it’s absence in my life. I can see myself getting anxious or complaining a lot or just generally shifting off track. Turns out there’s a reason God wants us to pray; connecting with Him on a daily basis like that keeps our hearts and minds focused on Him.

So here’s the deal: This is what works for me, it might not be what works for you but hopefully, it’ll help show that there’s more than one way to talk with God. If the concept of writing letters to God interests you, here’s how it happens:

• I started with a small journal, like the size of a fourth of a piece of paper, and then progressively got bigger ones, like a full piece of paper, therefore making my one-page requirement a little harder each time. 
• I don’t let anyone read them. Not because there’s anything scandalous in there but because I know if I’m writing knowing someone else might read it, it feels like I’m writing an article about my life instead of a letter to God. It doesn’t feel personal.
• I do go back and read them myself occasionally though, and it is so incredible to see myself really struggling with something and reaching out to God about it and then seeing his plan play out in the following pages. So. Cool. I now have probably half a dozen notebooks, and the story they tell of God working in my life is so humbling and inspirational. 
• My phone reminder is a vital part of the plan because it keeps showing up on my lock screen until I turn it off, and I am so condemned if I turn it off without actually doing my page. So if you’re around me at night and my phone suddenly says, “Reminder: Page of Prayer”, you know what that’s all about. 
• It’s the last thing I do before bed and I don’t use technology afterward. I like to end my day channeled in with God, not with the world. I get all my social media scrolling out of my system beforehand and then check in with God. 

This has been revolutionary for me. If you’re struggling with prayer, take heart in knowing you are not alone. In the end, it doesn’t matter how you pray as long as you pray. God’s flexible on the delivery; he’s more focused on content. Find what works for you. I’m praying for you ;)