So This is Love... Or is it?

by Anonymous

As a child I was OBSESSED with princesses and all the romantic stories that went with them. I loved how pretty and kind they were, and that they always got their “Prince Charming” at the end of the story. So when my Prince Charming turned out to be a lanky soccer player from church who also was my best friend, I was head over heels. Not only was this guy athletic and handsome, he also proclaimed to be a Christian which made him perfect in my eyes.

In the midst of being completely in love with this guy, I took my focus off of God which made me blind to the events that would come to pass.

It started off slow with a minor faux pas that I quickly forgave into this mountain of regret, depression, anger, and lies. 

“I just think that we need to spend a little time not talking to each other, so that we can get back on the right path with God.” Harmless right? One would say even encouraging. I had already felt guilty beforehand about how fast our relationship was going, so I was happy that he was stepping up as the spiritual leader in our relationship. Little did I know that this “break” was actually an opportunity for him to cheat on me with a coworker that I had told him was interested. This went on for a month before he came clean over email. The night he told me, I came home crying, feeling like my heart was split in two. “Was I not good enough?” “Am I not pretty enough?” I doubted myself and placed all of my worth in what he thought. 

After talking to my mom and my best friend, I decided that I was going to confront him in person so that I could get a real answer out of him. When I got to his job and he walked out with her, I was furious. He had admitted to cheating with this girl and it was obvious that he felt no remorse, because he was laughing and smiling with her. When he saw me, his face fell and he tried avoiding me. I confronted him and we went outside to talk. 

At this point, I wanted so bad to just forgive him and get it over with. So I bought into his apologies and excuses and even let him kiss me goodbye. From there, I thought all of our major fights were over, but I was sadly mistaken.  

From there, we continued to talk over email and at church. I started noticing that he didn’t want me to be around his family. When I asked him about it, he blatantly denied everything. At first I thought I was just being paranoid, but then I realized that he never invited me over to his house and he wouldn’t acknowledge me at church when he was with his family. Again the question of my worth was put solely on this one guy. 

Months went on and it was time for my church’s biannual retreat called “Pre Marriage Weekend." He and I both went, along with some of our friends. This event was so that youth could get a better picture of what a Biblical marriage should look like, so he and I thought it was a good idea that we go so we could make sure we were on the same page. The weekend started off well with good information sessions and girl time in a hotel room with my friends. Then one comment started the steep fall:

“...sure you should eat that?” 

I was stunned into silence. Now to anyone who viewed this as a loving relationship in which we held each other accountable, this comment was harmless. But he had the previous knowledge that my weight and how I looked were things that I was extremely insecure about already. Out of anger, I ate awfully the entire trip just to prove the point that I was the one who got to call those shots about my own life. 

The weekend was already awful, and then the question of submission was brought up. Submission is such a controversial word when it comes to relationships because the worlds definition implies weakness. Of course Biblical submission is a beautiful thing that comes out of mutual trust and respect. I didn’t have that in my relationship at all, so when he asked me on the ride home if I was going to submit to him I told him no. And when he continued to push the issue and say that he wanted me to submit like his mom did I said, “I will never submit like your mom does, because I’m never going to let you make decisions for me.” My response took him by surprise and he was silent for the rest of the ride. 

It was at this point that I started to question my relationship. Did I really want to be with a guy that made me feel more insecure about the way I looked? Did I trust this guy enough to ever Biblically submit to him? When I started to realize that both answers were no, I told him that we needed to take a break. And we did. I felt better, but my relationship with Jesus was still not where it needed to be. So, inevitably, in about a month I started to feel lonely again. I didn’t want to need someone, but I felt like I did. So I came crawling back to him. 

Of course he let me come back to him easily, with a minor amount of groveling. And apologizing. He made me feel awful about myself and I believed him, because I was the one who left. The vicious cycle had begun again. 

At first, it was just excessive tickling that I endured so that he wouldn’t be mad. Then it graduated to physical force to get me to stay. I was sitting with him on a church bus on the way home from another church event and I wanted to go see my friend. When I moved to get up, he put his hand on my thigh and said “Don’t leave.” I told him he was being ridiculous and I wanted to go talk with my friend for a little bit. Then as I tried to get up again, he squeezed my thigh as hard as he could and said “Don’t leave,” again. I felt like crying, but I sat down and didn’t move until we were home. Alone in my bathroom, I assessed the damage and found a bruise in the exact shape of his hand on my thigh. I cried and got myself together thinking, “He didn’t mean it. He would be upset if he heard that he hurt me. He would beat himself up so much, so I won’t tell him.” I didn’t tell anyone and I continued to stay in that relationship, despite the obvious abuse that was happening. 

The bruises became more frequent as we would see each other at practices and he would sneak me into the back hallway. He would always push me to go further than I was comfortable with and if I tried to say no, he would press his fingers under my ribs until I said yes. Slowly my will was broken down and I became afraid of anyone touching me.

I was miserable in my own skin and I still didn’t tell anyone about it. 

The physical and verbal abuse went on for months, with bruises on my ribs and constantly hearing that I was stupid, short, fat, etc. I became depressed and angry, not confiding in anyone and not listening to anyone either. 

Christmas break was one of the lowest points in my life. To start, I had spent so much time and effort on finding the perfect Christmas present for him and he hadn’t even thought to get me anything. He told me the present was okay and he might use it. Then he came with my family and I to a Christmas service at another church, where he proceeded to disrespect my whole family and myself by touching me the whole time. After we dropped him off, I remember feeling so dirty, shameful, and helpless because had I told him no. 

It was in this valley of helplessness that Jesus found me and reached out to me. My youth group had decided to go to this Christian concert in January and I had asked him if I could just hang out with friends there. He conceded and said it was fine. With my best friend with me, we proceeded to listen to the song that changed my life, “Priceless” by For King and Country. When I first heard those lyrics, I started to weep because it felt like Jesus himself was singing them straight to me. 

“Mirror, mirror, mirror on the wall

Tellin' those lies, pointing out your flaws

That isn't who you are

That isn't who you are

It might be hard to hear

But let me tell you, dear

If you could see what I can see, I know you would believe

That isn't who you are

There's more to who you are

So when it's late

You're wide awake

Too much to take

Don't you dare forget that in the pain

You can be brave

Hear me say

I see you dressed in white

Every wrong made right

I see a rose in bloom

At the sight of you

Oh, so priceless

Irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable

Darling, it's beautiful

I see it all in you

Oh, so priceless”

Those words set my soul free, as I realized that I was worth so much more than how I was being treated. I deserved to be cared for and appreciated, not abused and discarded. 

Later that night he noticed a change in me, because when he started to complain that I hadn’t spent time with him at all at the concert, I didn’t care. And when he started threatening me, I shrugged and walked away. The following week I made my permanent get away and broke up with him for good. 

I finally understand my worth and that I am a princess in all ways, because I am a daughter of the King.

I was given joy back in my life through walking with Jesus and seeing that the love this monster claimed to have for me wasn’t love at all.

That was a possessive lust that stemmed from issues of his own. True love is love that encourages and uplifts, not degrades. And that is the love my Father has for me. It took a long journey and a deep valley for me to understand that no “Prince Charming” could ever measure up to my Eternal King, but I wouldn’t trade any of it. 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:4-7‬ ‭NIV‬‬